Meet Patrick :)

He loves to chew on things...

To be held like a baby...

And to talk... a lot.

You all need to see this: http://www.photosbyknight.com/gray/

I'm not posting it cause I'm in a sappy mood, but it's such a beautiful picture of love and even God's love!

2 Corinthians 4:7-10

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

I just bought a flight to Austin on Nov. 2-5 for $70! Ok actually 140 but Bobby is going to split it with me because he is great :) I'm sooooo excited!

It's been a while hasn't it! Things have been going well- just very busy! I started classes 2 weeks ago. I can't believe it's only been a couple of weeks. My roommate Rachel is great... have met some awesome people in my program and within my apartment complex. My complex is very community-oriented and everyone knows eachother. I really like that about it..there's always someone to hang out with. My classes are all interesting to me... it's refreshing to be excited about going to class.. odd phenomenon.

Bobby.. (my boyfriend for those of you who don't know him... the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, by the way... that sounds biased... but I promise it's a completely objective opinion.. ) came to visit me right before orientation and then came out here last week for a job interview with his company- they needed someone to transfer out to the office out here and asked him to consider it. So I've been lucky to see alot of him since coming out.

What else... I got a new cat. His name is Patrick.. he's adorable but I don't have a picture to put up right now.

Here are some pics from the past while:

Disneyland!

Malibu Beach

With friends after a Nicklecreek gig with Sara/Sean Watkins and Fiona Apple... we've been three times this month... I never thought I'd be a groupie..

With Danielle/Dayna- my neighbors and Susan, who is in my program.
Dayna's also in my program.

My neighbors Danielle, Adam and Jesalyn at a Fuller dance party

My roommate Rachel is on the far right

My new favourite person Dayna

One of my other favourite people :)

Moses

April 5, 2005 - September 11 2007

I had to put Moses down this morning. He got really sick again last night, like last time, and there was nothing that I could do. I miss him so much..

Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore.
Jesus ready stands to save you,
Full of pity, love, and power.

Come ye thirsty, come and welcome
God's free bounty, glorify.
True belief and true repentance
And every grace that brings you nigh.

I will arise and go to Jesus.
He will embrace me in his arms.
And in the arms of my dear Saviour,
there are ten thousand charms.

Come ye weary, heavy laden.
Lost and ruined by the fall.
If you tarry until you're better,
You will never come at all.

I will arise and go to Jesus.

-- Robbie Seay

Moses is home and seems to be doing alot better. Anna just left a few days ago :( It was so much fun to have her.. not sure if I said this in a previous post- she and I knew eachother in Edinburgh back my junior year and she was in the States this summer- and I was lucky enough to get to see her! Other than that.. I've been hanging out with Bob and some of his friends, and my new friend David and his friend Andrew. Lots of boys. Speaking of boys... a special one is coming to visit me in 8 days :)

Anna on Rodeo Drive

Overlook of Pasadena- you can see downtown LA in the distance

Anxiously awaiting to see if we won front row tickets to Wicked

David playing some tunes in Hollywood

This pretty much sums up Hollywood

Me and Bobby (aka, the special boy)

My Moses is in the hospital :( Anna woke up at 5:00 in the morning to him screaming under the bed. He seriously sounded like he was possessed. I took him to an animal hospital and two other vets after that all within about three hours. He had a bladder obstruction. It was really hard to decide what to do... I thought seriously about putting him down. I had about four options, but the better the option the more costly. I decided to go with a more simple procedure and hope that he doesn't have this happen again.. it's not a preventative procedure like a couple of the others were though... but he's going to be on a prescription food that should help with it. Poor baby was in so much pain. He'll be in the animal hospital for 3-6 days, closer to 6.

Don't know if you've ever prayed for an animal, but if you could, I'd really appreciate it if y'all would pray that everything goes smoothly and that God would heal him to where this doesn't happen again.

I don't even know where to start! I'm all moved in and my parents left yesterday. We spent the week getting things set up and spending some time at the beach.. very relaxing. It's so beautiful out here! Tomorrow my friend Anna from the UK is coming to stay for a few days! Here are some pictures, the first ones from this past week, and the ones after it are from my trip to Georgia several weeks ago.

Georgia:

So much to say, so little time, BUT, I'm moving into my flat in Pasadena tomorrow!!!

Hey everyone, here are pictures from Memphis:

Katie and Jenn, termites don't dare mess with these chicks


Cara and I... just a bit tired

One cool kid


Our new friend Kenken teaching us the Memphis sign

Be afraid...very afraid

Chanda hard at work


I wish I had a before pic of this... I was quite proud of the outcome

We played some softball

Blessed are the feet of those who bring good news

Hotel where MLK was assasinated

Vending machine for guitar strings, who knew?

Walking in Memphis

Chanda, deep in thought as to whether or not to buy some cool new shades

A legend

Ok, so which one of you is hiding crack in my room? Cause whoever it is, my cat found it. It's like going to sleep next to an angel and waking up with an axe murderer.

Pictures from Memphis coming soon, to a computer screen near you.

Tomorrow night's my last night to go Swing dancing at the Fed. I think I'm going to cry. If you want to join, let me know.

Hey everyone, back from Memphis :) There's so much I could say, but I'll just share a picture of it that I wrote:

Our team really saw God’s hand at work during our time in Memphis. Unlike mission trips I’ve been on before, the main thing I experienced was not what God was doing through me, but what He is already doing through many others there in Memphis. The most significant part for me was working on a senior living apartment complex that had quite recently been a hub for drugs and prostitution. When the organization we were working with (Binghampton Development Corporation) bought it out, they began to refurbish it, and when they were finally nearing completion, one of the drug dealers who had previously lived there set fire to half of the complex. What amazed me was the determination that Brian (one of the men working with the Binghampton Development Corporation) and others had to not allow evil to overcome the good God is doing there. They began to rebuild and are trusting the Lord to bring this project to completion.

It was a blessing to be able to be a part of what is going on there, and everything we did seemed symbolic of what is occurring spiritually. On the outside, we were weeding, picking up trash and altogether trying to make the complex look like a peaceful place to live. Yet what I think is more significant is the way those things signify how God uses our prayers there. I don’t believe Satan wants the project to come to fruition, but I know in God is all power to demolish spiritual strongholds. That is one thing I’ve taken home with me- the awareness that God is at work in the things we may not see, and any work we do is not done in our own power, but His. We exist for His purposes, and that is the greatest privilege we can ever have.

Hi everyone! We're in Memphis now (my roommate Jennifer, and friends from church- Ryan, Chanda, Katie, Kara and James). We've been having a great time and God has allowed us to see Him here already. Please pray for us- specifically that we would have opportunities to love on people and that our eyes would be opened to seeing God's faithfulness around us. Oh, and for energy- we've only been here 2 days and are exhausted!

Dear refuge of my hardened heart

Oh fast pursuing lover come.

As angels dance around your throne

My life by captured fare you own.

No silhouette of trodden faith

Nor death shall not my steps be guide.

I'll pirouette upon my grave

For in your path I'll run and hide.

Oh gaze of love so melt my pride

That I may in your house but kneel

And in my brokenness to cry

Spring worship unto Thee.

Sweet Jesus carry me away

From cold of night, and dust of day

In ragged hour or salt worn eye

Be my desire, my well sprung lye.

Jars of Clay "Hymn"

Leaving for Memphis in the morning!

Current mood: happy
Current song: "Everything's Right "by Matt Wertz

Today is my best friend's 24th birthday. She is an amazing woman (yes Jenn, woman, not girl). It has been a blessing to have had her as a friend for the past 11 years. Seeing her grow in grace over the years has been a testimony to me of God's love. Her love for him is beautiful and she is beautiful! I haven't always been the greatest friend, but I hope she knows that she has always been one of the very best blessings in my life. I love you Jennifer- Happy Birthday.

Love this quote:

My future starts when I wake up every morning... Every day I find something creative to do with my life.— Miles Davis

Wish I lived like everyday.

A

• Are you available?: yes
• What is your age?: 24.97 or something like that
• What annoys you?: hmm.. people that take forever to turn... or to get to the point

B

• Do you know anyone named Billy? used to
• When is your birthday?: July 20

C

• Current mood: blah
• What’s your favorite candy? Sour Patch Kids
• When was the last time you cried? last night

D

• Do you daydream?: sure do
• What’s your favorite kind of dog?: collie
• What day of the week is it?: wednesday

E

• How do you like your eggs?: scrambled
• Have you ever been in the emergency room? yes
• Ever met an elephant? hmm.. in a hi how are you kind of way? no.

F

• Do you use fly swatters?: no
• Have you ever used a foghorn?: nope
• Is there a fan in your room?: yes

G

• Do you chew gum?: yes
• Do you like gory movies?: no
• Who’s gay? you

H

• How are you doing? didn't I already answer that?
• What’s your height?: 5' 4
• What color is your hair? light brown

I

• What’s your favorite ice cream?: don't really like it but if I had to choose I'd say Chocolate
• Have you ever ice skated?: yea.. not a pretty picture
• Ever been in an igloo?: when I was little in Norway

J

• What’s your favorite Jelly Bean?: licorice
• Do you wear jewelry? sometimes
• Are you jealous?: Yeah sometimes

K

• Who do you want to kill?: roaches and crickets...cept I won't go near them.. except when they're THROWN on me
• Have you ever flown a kite?: no, sad huh
• Do you think kangaroos are cute?: who doesn't?

L

• Are you laid back? yup
• Lions or tigers?: Bears
• Do you like black licorice?: YUM

M

• Ever shopped at Moosejaw?: huh?
• Favorite store at the mall? Um, Ross and Old Navy aren't at the mall, so we'll say GAP
• Do you have a nickname? Lo, Esmirelda
• Do you prefer night or day?: Night

O

• What’s your one wish?: to grow in my faith
• Are you an only child? nope
• Do you like the color orange?: yeah, but not burnt orange. I'm burnt out of burnt orange.

P

• What are you most paranoid about?: hmm don't think I'm paranoid
• Piercings?: ears, nose at one point
• Do you know anyone named Penelope?: nope

Q

• Are you quick to judge people?: not usually
• Do you like Quaker Oats?: yeah they're ok
• Know anyone that makes quilts?: yeah

R

• Do you think you’re always right?: no
• Do you watch reality TV?: no
• Reason to cry?: desperation, feeling unloved, missing someone, losing someone

S

• Do you prefer sun or rain?: sun
• Do you like snow? yes
• Whats your favorite season?: spring or fall

T

• What time is it?: 3:30 p.m.


U

• Can you ride a unicycle?: heck, I can't even ride a bicycle
• Do you know anyone with a unibrow?: yes
• How many uncles do you have?: 1.5

V

• What’s the worst vegetable?: too many to name

W

• What’s your worst habit?: being late
• Do you like water rides?: yup, if the water's not too cold
• Ever been inside a windmill?: I'd love that

X

• Have you ever had an x-ray?: yes
• Ever used a Xerox machine?: really?

Y

• Do you like the color yellow?: yup
• What year were you born in?: 1982
• Do you yell when you’re angry?: not usually. I usually cry.

Z

• Do you believe in the zodiac?: no
• What’s your zodiac sign?: Cancer.. I'm a crab apparently

I went with some friends to Deep Edie (a natural springs pool) this Saturday. We went out to the car to leave and I couldn't find my keys anywhere. We went back to retrace all of my steps. Still couldn't find them. Half-jokingly (ok only half, because I couldn't put it beyond myself) I started digging through the garbage bin where I'd thrown my bottle away... and my keys.

Faith and trust have not been my strong points lately. Since being accepted to Fuller, the reality that I am actually taking this step is sinking in, and while I have no doubt that this is what I'm supposed to do (and what I want to do), I begin to think I'm not cut out for it. The more I think and pray about it, the more I realize that that's not what is important. What is important is that God has led me (I believe) to this, and God will continue to be with me. He chooses to use the weak to lead the strong. Does that mean he chooses the easily distracted, prone to procrastination, 'anxious about being watched in a one-on-one counseling setting' woman for a Masters in Counseling? I think He has.

"Moses said to God, "Who am I to go to Pharaoh and bring the people of Israel out of Egypt?" (Exodus 3:11). The Lord answers, "I shall be with you." That's it. Simply, I'll be with you! He wouldn't tell Moses how to do it. He doesn't give him a timetable, any directions, simply- "I'll be with you."

Moses' power is the presence of the Lord. In every spiritual experience in the Bible, a person comes to an experience of God and God says, simply, I will be with you, I will do it, trust me. The directions come as you walk the journey.

This is perfectly borne out of the Hebrews journey through the desert. Moses said to Yahweh's face, in his fourth attempt to get out of the job, "I am slow of speech. Why should Pharaoh listen to me?" (Exodus 4:10). God again comes back to him and says, I've given you the command. Go ahead- I will be with you...

Faith is a gift... Have we ever said, "Lord, let me know that you are Lord"? We get what we expect from God. It must have been in sadness that Jesus replied to the Twelve, "Do you also want me to leave?" Simon Peter answered him, "Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:67-68).

We too, have come to this: "Lord, we're not certain what our lives mean. We are not certain at this point where they are going. Sometimes you're not so real to us. Sometimes we don't experience joy with you. But Lord, to whom else shall we go? We have seen your glory and we have seen your action in our lives. You have loved us and led us this far, so we stand on that goodness." That is a real act of faith.

--Richard Rohr

Can you freeze this moment in time?
Can you teach me to walk a straight line
if I store it all up in my mind for a slow release.
Because I need to remember this so I can tell

the truth from the lies Lord.

Teach me not to disguise all the things inside of me.
For all my days, be my safe place-
When I go, will you go with me everyday?
You are all I need.
You’re the same in every changing scene.
Where I go will you go with me?
From these mountains to my hometown,

your love will still chase me down .
When there is no friend to be found,
I will still follow you.

For all my days, be my safe place-
Through the fire, and through the rain your love for me does not change.

--Sandra McCracken "Where I Go"

Savannah (left) and Cheyenne

Today my family put our collie Savannah down. She was 13 and has been having difficulty even getting up most days. I came home to the Woodlands and went with my mom to the vet. She was such a great dog- stubborn as heck- but so sweet.

When she was younger she found a squirrel that had fallen out of its nest and we found her licking it gently as though it were hers.

She had a huge fear of coming upstairs, so one time we lined the whole rail upstairs with towels and she came up- turned out she was afraid of heights.

When we first got her, we had just moved to the States, and I had trouble making friends for a while. She was my only friend. Pathetic as that may be, she was a great one.

Even before recently, she always had very selective hearing. She would only respond to "cheese" "cookie" "walk" and "I'm going to tell daddy!"

Her favorite foods were squash and cheese.

She always could tell when I was upset about something-definitely more sensitive than our other dogs. I can't count the number of times I laid on her and cried (she was 80-100 pounds throughout her life, so don't worry, I didn't crush her too much).

She will be missed.

Dear Friends,

Next time you're in Mexico, remember to brush your teeth with bottled water.

Lauren

"The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.
Great is our God and mighty in power;
His understanding has no limit." Psalm 147

In the midst of pain, He is our joy.
In confusion, He is our stronghold.
In death, He is our life.
In grief, he is our peace.
When we are distant, He is near.
Brokenhearted, He has our heart.
Lost, He takes our hand.
He is our hope, our strength, our all.
He is our God.

You smile and everything seems right in the world.
I could stay there a while.

Mexico was amazing.. so much fun!! I'll try and give a synopsis..

Friday: Left at noon in a van with 6 other people (Terri, Sam, Cindy, Jim, Phil and Craig). Got into Matamoras around 7. Went to dinner at a taco place. Went to a classy bar for drinks, and ended up moving some tables to make a dance floor and partied like it was 1999.

Saturday: Headed out to Pan de Vida, where 20 beautiful, incredible children live. It rained all day, so we did crafts, played with cameras and spoke Spanglish until 8:00 p.m. Left there and went to dinner at the bar we'd been at the night before. Then five of us headed out looking for a discoteca. Walked what felt like half the city and finally found a place that both a) didn't have a dress code and b) wasn't too shady. Danced, danced, danced. Took a cab home. Stayed up until 4:15 talking.

Sunday: Got up at 8:00. Went to a pastor's house in Brownsville for a great breakfast. Drove back to Pan de Vida for goodbyes. Really hard goodbyes. Drove back to Austin.

I miss those kids so much already. The Bible says that to see the kingdom of God, one must make themselves like a child (childlike-simple faith). But I think in seeing children, we see the Kingdom of God. We see God himself.

Here are pictures from the weekend:

Phil's grim reaper impersonation...

Phil with his wife and children

Poor thing died of heat exhaustion

Sam and Phil

Octavio....currently my favorite kid in the world

Jim

Phil and Cindy

Terri's not so sure about this...

Inspecting the food..

Getting our dance on

Where we stayed

Current mood (haven't done this in a while have I?): calm
Current song: "Redemption" by Jars of Clay
Song clip:
Looking at redemption, it was hidden in the landscape
of loss and love and fire and rain.
We never would have come this way.

I have so many emotions surrounding moving to California, leaving my friends and family, and starting out at Fuller. The underlying feeling is one of excitement. I love new things. I attribute this to having grown up for a portion of my life overseas and moving quite a bit.. but every couple of years I have a yearning to move and experience change. Ultimately that desire is to move back overseas, but for now California is the plan! While I didn't appreciate being 'different' and having to adapt so much as a kid, I'm grateful for it now because I think God used those to make me adaptable.

At the same time, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll get out there and not be able to connect with people. I'm afraid that I'm not cut out for the program. I'm afraid of just not knowing. My roommate reminded me the other day that these are the exact same feelings I had before I moved to Edinburgh AND before moving to Austin. And look what wonderful experiences those have been.

God has been so gracious to care for me and provide for my needs... will He not continue to do so? I know myself... I have to take this step... I have to because I believe that the best place that we can be is inside of God's will, and there are many experiences ahead for which to cry and to laugh, and in all, to bring Him glory.

I want to mirror you,
and I never want to be blind, or to be too old
to hold up your heavy and swaying picture.

I want to unfold.
I don't want to stay folded anywhere,
because where I am folded, there I am a lie.

I describe you like a painting that I looked
at closely for a long time,
like a saying that I finally understood,
like the pitcher I use every day,
like the face of my mother,
like a ship that took me safely through the wildest storm of all.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

Jenn got a new dog a couple weeks ago (who actually gets along with my cat...Marvin moved in with Cristen's fiance and Moses did a happy dance). Her name is MacKenzie.

"A Christian woman does not put her hope in her husband, or in getting a husband. She does not put her hope in her looks. She puts her hope in the promises of God. She laughs at everything the future will bring and might bring, because she hopes in God.

She looks away from the troubles and miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and she focuses her attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever he pleases. She knows her Bible, and she knows her theology of the sovereignty of God, and she knows his promise that he will be with her and help her strengthen her no matter what." --John Piper

That reminds me of my mom. So much of what I've learned about what it means to be a Christian woman has come from her. She may deny it, but she has exemplified the woman in Proverbs 31 to me. Of course she's not perfect, nor would we want her to be, but her love for the Lord and her trust in Him are evident. Her children surely "arise and call her blessed" (Prov. 31:28). :)

last cigarette: tried one of seth's a few years ago
last kiss: couple years ago
last good cry: week ago
last movie seen: Because I Said So
last book read: Ragamuffin Gospel
last cuss word said: something slipped today i think... as the dog peed on the carpet
last beverage drank: smoothie
last food consumed: enchilada
last phone conversation: Bob
last tv show watched: news
last shoes worn: flip flops
last cd played: Last Kiss soundtrack
last item bought: cinnamon energy gum (pumped with vitamin B-12)
last downloaded: ?
last annoyance: moses (the cat) knocked over my full length mirror yesterday and it shattered into a hundred pieces. That was fun.
last disappointment: yucky weather
last soda drank: dr. pepper
last thing handwritten: grocery list
last word spoken: later
last sleep: last night..
last instant message: few days ago, for the first time in almost 2 years
last ice cream eaten: Had a coke float last night
last amused: I'm almost always amused
last time tripped on drugs: nope to dope
last time hugged: last night
last time scolded: hmm maybe by parents last weekend?
last chair sat in: this one
last lipstick worn: yesterday
last shirt worn: the one I'm wearing..
last show attended: the shins
last webpage visited: myspace

I was:
one minute ago: talking to the dog
hour ago: sanding a table
one day ago: babysitting
one week ago: in The Woodlands
one year ago: starting a new job

today: bummed around and worked on my bedside table

current mood: kind of lazy
current music: Marvelous Things by Eisley
current taste: something sweet
current hair: short brown
current smell: the air
current thing i should be doing: something more productive than this
current desktop picture: my cat clawing at me
current worry: don't have one

I went swing dancing with Jenn and some friends from Community Group last night.
I danced with a guy visiting from Russia and one visiting from Montreal and had no idea what they were doing most of the time.
I babysat this afternoon for church and one of the little girls started crying everytime I looked at her.
The tip of my right index finger has been numb for two weeks.
I'm going to Mexico next weekend with some people to visit an orphanage!
I've had the most boring evening and am enjoying every minute of it.
I'm getting a free facial tomorrow and can't wait.
My hiphop class is cancelled :(

Next time I travel, this is totally the way I'm going: http://www.couchsurfing.com/mapsurf.html

Well, the laser surgery has begun to wear off, so I went to get some glasses this past weekend. Not for all the time....just when I want to see clearly :) It's amazing how you don't realize how blurred your vision is until you put those things on.

Quote of the day:
Roommate: "That's really an oxy-moron, really: normal, and man.."

Ok seriously, where can I get one of these - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCGmJGVIutA

Ok, so I know I've done this and didn't get many responses, but I'm curious, who's reading this thing? There's a comment button below. Click it and say hello :)

I considered not boring you with excerpts from the book I've been reading (Ragamuffin's Gospel), but it has been great for me to read, so I am going to share a bit:

"Though the Scriptures insist on God's initiative in the work of salvation - that by grace we are saved, that the Tremendous Lover has taken to the chase - our spirituality often ends up beginning with self, not God. Personal responsibility has replaced personal response. We talk about acquiring virtue as if it were a skill that can be attained like good handwriting or a well-grooved golf swing. In the penitential seasons, we focus on overcoming our weaknesses, getting rid of our hang ups, and reaching Christian maturity. We sweat through various spiritual exercises as if they were designed to produce a Christian Charles Atlas.

Though lip service is paid to the gospel of grace, many Christians live as if it is only personal discipline and self-denial that will mold the perfect me. The emphasis is on what I do rather than on what God is doing. In this curious process, God is a benign old spectator in the bleachers who cheers when I show up for morning quiet time...We believe that we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps - indeed, that we can do it ourselves.

Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our boot straps are cut. Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even one inch to our spiritual stature. There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and a subtle despair because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It takes the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach.

We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play "The Great God Brown": "Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

Something is radically wrong.

Our huffing and puffing to impress God, our scrambling for brownie points, our thrashing about trying to fix ourselves while hiding our pettiness and wallowing in guilt are nauseating to God and are a flat denial to the gospel of grace. Our approach to the Christian life is as absurd as the enthusiastic young man who had just received his plumber's license and was taken to see Niagara Falls. He studied it for a minute and then said, "I think I can fix this"...

The word grace has lost it's raw, imaginative power."

I think he puts it all well. I've been thinking about that alot lately- what role we play in our spiritual growth- in our sanctification. Hebrews 12:14 says that without sanctification, no man will see God. Now, whether that is referring to when we go to Heaven or here in the 'land of the living', I'm not sure. But even if our salvation (eternal security) and sanctification (being made like God) are entirely different yet related things, I know that I want to see God here on earth. I want to see His hand in things. I want to see and experience His love today, not just when I'm in Heaven someday. I'm not saying that God doesn't reveal Himself to people who aren't walking with Him, because I know He does all the time, but I think the more we know Him, the more we will recognize Him in our lives.

I've heard it put that our role in sanctification is to put ourselves, like a piece of clay, into God's hands, and from there He will mold and shape us into who we are meant to be. I think that's key though...putting ourselves in His hands. If we don't seek Him, the chances of our looking like Him are slim much less the chances of our hearts truly being changed. And we (I attest to this in my own life) can only go so long pretending to look like 'good little Christians'. Because without our hearts set on Him, on His glory, there will be little power in our lives. And that, the hand/power of God, are at the root of our sanctification. I keep reminding myself the good news is that it is His will that I be sanctified, and, so long as I open myself to Him, (here's the cheesy line: like a flower opens to the sun), I can't screw that up.

I've thought before that the goal for us was to become more and more perfect. But I don't think that anymore. Matthew 5:48 says "Be perfect, as your Father in Heaven is perfect." But the translation is actually closer to, "Be complete, as your Father in Heaven is complete." And I believe that if we are in Christ, we will be complete no matter how imperfect we are.

Come Lord Jesus, and make us complete, because all that is good within us is from Your hand.

"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch." Isaiah 62:1

I love this passage:

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.

Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

Deuteronomy 11:18-21

I especially love the 'speak about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and get up.' I think it's so important to talk with each other about the things that God is doing and encouraging each other with His Word. They are sharper than any double-edged sword.

I also like the part 'bind them on your foreheads'. Another version says, "that they may be as frontlets between your eyes". I love that image. I want God's word to be so a part of me that even when I close my eyes, it is on the forefront of my imagination. He is the light in all my dark places.

Updates...Last Thursday Alice and I went Swing Dancing for the first time since January...I've missed it! I definitely felt rusty, but had a great time. Afterwards, I felt inspired and signed up for a hip-hop dance class that UT is offering for the summer on Wednesdays. Wednesdays are one of my days off, so it'll be good to do something active instead of sitting around all day. I went tonight, and our instructer didn't show.. I'm kind of bummed, though there was a minute feeling of relief as I looked around and realized I was one of the only people in the room that wasn't doing the splits to warm-up. I guess when they said that previous dance experience was required they meant it? Oh well, I'm looking forward to next week to get my dance on.This past Saturday was my roommate Cristen's bridal shower. Here are some pics:

Beautiful Bride-to-be

The girls

The party cat

Cristen and Kirby

These pictures are ones that a dad drew onto napkins to put in his daughters' lunch boxes each day in high school. There are tons more at http://www.flickr.com/photos/digioreo/sets/1494002/ but these were my favorites.

I've started reading Ragamuffin Gospel (Brennan Manning) again. It's one of those books that I try to get out and read every couple of years when I start thinking that God's grace towards me is based on my performance/perfection and not His love. It's so easy to do that- because that's the way everything else in life seems to be. Yet Christianity takes a completely foreign approach on acceptance and grace. That there is nothing we can do to make God love us any more and nothing we can do to make him love us less. And it is the acceptance of that grace that changes us into who we were meant to be, day by day, until one day we will look our Saviour in the face and see that His grace was working in us even when we thought we'd never cut it, because we were never meant to make it there on our own.

Jesus did not come to save those who were already righteous, but sinners.

I love the way Manning opens:

The Ragamuffin Gospel was written with a specific audience in mind.
This book is not for the super spiritual...
It is not for the Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation.
It is not for the fearless and tearless...
It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus.
If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out.
It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to another.
It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don't have it all together and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace.
It is for the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker.
It is for the poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents.
It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay.
It is for the bent and bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God.
It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags.
The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the Way.

I am going to Memphis this July on a mission trip and have sent out the following letter to ask for prayer and support. I am asking for financial support, not only so that I will be able to do this, but also so that others can take part in God's work.

Some of you I know I've sent it to, but if you feel led to respond in some way, let me know. :)

May 31, 2007


Dear Family and Friends,

I hope this letter finds you and your family well!

I’ve been given the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Memphis, Tennessee on July 14-21! I will be on a team with approximately 10 other individuals from my church (Austin Stone Community Church), and our goal is to minister to the physical and spiritual needs of people. We are partnering with Hope Presbyterian Church to participate in educational programs and other community development initiatives within the local community.

I’d like to ask if you would be willing to keep myself and our team in your prayers- that God’s hand would be on us and that His will be done.

Another way to be involved in what God is doing is financially. It is the responsibility of each person to raise his/her own support for the cost of the mission trip. In order to participate, I must raise $600. Your help in this would be greatly appreciated (and tax deductible)!

If you would like to help financially, a check can be made to Austin Stone Community Church. On the memo portion of your check you can note Memphis.

If I receive financial support which exceeds the amount needed to cover the trip, all additional funds will be allocated to helping other team members participate.

Thank you in advance for partnering with me in this and taking part in the work that God is doing in Memphis, and everywhere! Even if you are unable to contribute financially, please pray as I prepare for this mission trip. I look forward to sharing with you soon what God has done in Memphis because of the efforts by you and everyone who is a part of this trip.

“All glory to him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by shedding his blood for us.” Revelation 1:5

Because of Him,
Lauren

Take this survey

My 'ex' is: Got several
I am listening to: Benny Goodman "And the Angels Sing"
Maybe I should quit: 'working' and go home?
I love: my bed
My bestfriend: is the best
I don't understand: why I have to go to work when they don't have work for me
I lost my respect for: can't think of anything...
I last ate: a cookie
Love is: God
Somewhere: over the rainbow? this is a weird survey
I will always: be a child of God
Love seems to be: worth the pain at times
I never ever want to lose: my faith in God
When I woke up this morning: I didn't want to get out of bed..what's new?
I get annoyed at: dumb drivers
Parties: can be fun
My pet: probably asleep or chasing a bug
Kissing: hmm ;)
Today I: need to go shopping
I really want: it to be tomorrow night (my roommate's wedding shower!)
What would you rather be called?
Babe or baby: Babe... though I prefer sweetie or sweetheart
Sweetie or Honey: well there you go- sweetie
Darling or Hun: Darling, hands down
Cutie or Beautiful: Beautiful (what girl wouldn't?)

PRESENTLY
is your hair wet? No, but I let it air dry today so it kind of looks like a birds nest or something
is your cell phone right by you? yes
do you miss someone? not currently
are you wearing chap stick? no
are you tired?: Yes
are you excited? I'm always excited for weekends
are you watching tv? no
are you wearing pajamas? Is there a workplace where you can wear pj's on Fridays? Cause I want to work there

HAVE YOU
done anything you regret? I'm sure, but the past is gone
recently lied? I told a white lie this morning
ever stuck gum under a desk? ew no
ever kicked someone? not on purpose
ever tripped over your own feet? who hasn't?

TODAY
have you cursed? perhaps in my head
have you yelled at someone? nope
have you gotten mad at someone? nope

RANDOM
is there a person who is on your mind right now? yes
do you have any siblings? yep, little bro
do you want children? yep
do you smile often? yep
do you wish on stars? sometimes, though more than anything they just remind me that God is with me
do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? Not really ever
when did you last cry? a couple days ago
do you like your handwriting? yes.... there isn't another like it!
are your toenails painted? painted them last night
are you a friendly person? I'd say so
who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine
what size ring do you wear? 3 or 3.5
what color shirt are you wearing? Black
do you have any pets? yep
what were you doing at 7pm yesterday? watching TV

Finish it
This survey is: pointless...yet am still doing it

Tonight, I got onto Craigslist to see if there was a cheap mini-fridge that my friend Alice could buy for her classroom next year. This guy named Jay posted an ad saying that he had three of them for sale and gave his phone number. So Alice called him and he said that he still had one, and that the hotel just remodeled and that's why he has them. She asked if she could come look at it, and he told her to meet him in the parking lot of the Howard Johnson and he'd show it to her, as he is staying there. She hangs up the phone and informs me the 'sketchalicious' (Alice's word) plan. Our first thought is that he stole these fridges and is now selling him out of the back of his truck. I never knew people dealt refrigerators like they deal drugs. Alice called the hotel to see if they knew anything about it and they said they had recently remodeled and did replace the fridges. So we went over there and these two guys meet us in the parking lot and lead us inside. One of them pulls out a room key and proceeds to open a door of one of the hotel rooms. We're thinking, you've got to be kidding me if you think I'm following you in there! After opening the door, we saw that the entire room was filled top to bottom with furniture and junk that they didn't have to put anywhere else and we saw that this must be somewhat legit. Then we had to knock on the door of her neighbor at 9:30 at night to ask if he could carry it upstairs for us. It was one of those moments when a boyfriend really would have come in handy.

This all occurred after a conversation with Cristen and Alice about the fact that a lot of guys just don't get why women are scared of strange men and careful in situations where they could be vulnerable. For example, Alice walks to the grocery store each week, and one man pulled over last week and asked if she needed a ride home. Do you really think she's going to get in that car? I'm sure he was a perfectly nice guy who wanted to help, but really. It stinks that we can't be more trusting of people, just because of a few bad apples.

Right now all I have is a whistle in my purse. Tweeeet tweet. Yeah. I think I'm going to invest in some Mase tomorrow.

New hair :)

My God, how perfect are Thy ways!

But mine polluted are;

Sin twines itself about my praise,

And slides into my prayer.

When I would speak what Thou hast done

To save me from my sin,

I cannot make Thy mercies known,

But self-applause creeps in.

Divine desire, that holy flame

Thy grace creates in me;

Alas! impatience is its name,

When it returns to Thee.

This heart, a fountain of vile thoughts.

How does it overflow,

While self upon the surface floats,

Still bubbling from below.

Let others in the gaudy dress

Of fancied merit shine;

The Lord shall be my righteousness,

The Lord forever mine.

~William Cowper

One of the coolest things I've ever seen: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU8DDYz68kM

It has begun. So far this week, I've found on my head almost ten silver strands of hair. Call me weird, I put one in a ziplock bag to commemorate the event.

This past weekend my brother graduated from Baylor.. I'm so proud of him. As I walked around campus, I realized that there's no one left to visit there.. pretty much everyone I knew there has moved on and what's left are memories. It's sad to think that it will never be quite the same..

Tomorrow Jenn and I are going to a small group from church that we've been visiting a bit. It feels good to be back in community. After my old group ended, it was hard to get back into one, and soon after, a part of me didn't want to get involved because I knew that I'd be leaving in the Fall anyway. But our plans for the future aren't good enough reasons to miss out on what God has for us now.

Ah, back to work.

Laugh for the day:

If you ever want to laugh, go to http://www.sincerelyinsane.com The guy that posts there writes crazy complaints to different companies, and he posts the responses he gets.

This is one of my favorites, with the reply beneath:

Peter Pan Bus Lines

Corporate Headquarters

PO Box 1776

Springfield, MA 01102-1776

February 19, 2007

Dear Peter Pan Bus Lines,

I’m not too sure I want to ride your buses anymore. I recently learned that Peter Pan peanut butter has been contaminated with salmonella, and I think there might be a link between the delicious spread and the transportation service.

If I ride your buses, will I get salmonella? I’ll bet the salmonella is sitting there on the bus seats, waiting for its next victim to sit down. But I, my friends, have prepared in advance with: a pair of pants. I’m almost certain that the bacteria cannot penetrate a layer of denim, not to mention my Hanes underwear, so I will most likely be safe. But I just wanted to make sure.

Before I set foot on a Peter Pan bus again, I would like written proof that the buses are safe as long as I am wearing pants. Also, which kinds of pants are not suitable, i.e. the ones that salmonella can penetrate? Do I have to wear jeans, or can they be corduroys? How about Dockers? And is underwear all that necessary?

Thank you for your assistance, and I can assure you I will no longer ride your bus lines without any pants. I know this outbreak is not your fault, but I am taking giant strides of safety (pants) to assure my well-being.

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

Who is Wearing Pants

P.S. Should I wash my jeans after riding your bus?

Dear Mr. Dickinson,

Thank you for your letter dated February 19, 2007 regarding the recent salmonella contamination of Peter Pan peanut butter and its relationship to Peter Pan Bus Lines.

We have recently received literally hundreds of inquiries from customers like you who are concerned about this issue. I assure you we are taking the matter very seriously and have implemented appropriate measures to ensure the safety of our ridership.

Immediately upon learning of the salmonella outbreak, our Safety and Security Team consulted with the Department of Homeland Security... together, they swiftly went into action and instituted the following policy:

It has been determined that denim, corduroy and Dockers are 100% safe materials and cannot be penetrated by the salmonella virus. Nevertheless, all Peter Pan Bus Lines customers will be required to submit to strict inspection of their britches prior to boarding a Peter Pan motorcoach to ensure there is no breech of security. Underwear has not been shown to provide any appreciable protection from salmonella, therefore, it has been deemed optional and the wearing of undergarments is at the customer's discretion.

I hope we have put your worries to rest and that you will feel safe, secure and protected while riding with Peter Pan Bus Lines. Thank you for your past patronage... we look forward to serving you in the future with your transportation needs.

Very truly yours,

Peter Pan Bus Lines, Inc.

Deborah A. Wuller

Assistant to the President

Beneath is the actual letter back. I would love to have Deborah Wuller's job.

So I have a minor crush on this guy at church. I never have the guts to go up and talk to him, as every other girl at church wants to talk to him too, and I'd just feel dumb. But last night I could only find one free seat, and what do you know, it was next to him. I couldn't even focus during worship because all I could hear was his heavenly voice in my ear. I told myself that after the service, I would do it, I would say hello. He got up and left before I had the chance. His name is Chris Tomlin. I am kicking myself.

It's been a good weekend.. I watched Sara Thurs night - Saturday night because her mom was out of town. I find the more time I spend with her, the easier it gets. I guess I'm learning her, though I can't say she's listening to me more... I feel like a broken record asking her to do things sometimes... I'm pretty sure she's got ADD. Yesterday Austin Stone (my church) had a baptism celebration. 50 people were baptized and then we all ate crawfish afterwards. Well, I had a hot dog. I took Sara along and they had alot of things for kids out there, so I think she had fun. It was really amazing to see so many people who have made decisions for the Lord. At the end, we all (there were probably 400 people there) stood at the bank of the lake and sang Amazing Grace. It was a small picture of what Heaven will be like! Last night Jennifer and I completely vegged, and today I slept forever and went to church. I signed up for a mission trip to Memphis during mid-July.. I'm really excited about it!

I'm bored...

50 things that might not be completely random but are still pretty darn random about YOU.

1. Where is your pet right now?
laying next to me

2. Last time you kissed someone?
let's just say it's been a while

3. Name five things you did last night?
1. finished up babysitting Sara
2. Watched a movie with Jenn
3. Got a back massage
4. Gave a back massage
5. Went to Baskin Robbins for milk shakes

4. Last time you consumed alcohol?
margarita last week

5. What color phone do you have?
blue

6. Do you carry around an ipod?
no

7. Where does your best friend live?
two live with me

8. How many kids do you have?
none

9. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
white tank top, jeans

10. What color are your eyes?
blueish

11. Have you ever been in love?
yes

12. When was the last time you drank a martini?
last month I think

13. Did you do any chores today?
laundry

14. What are you doing tomorrow?
work at UT

15. Do you know someone who likes you?
sure

16. Have you ever had a friend named "Fred, Frank, or Felipe"?
nope, but my grandpa is Fred

17. Name three people you met in the past two months?
can only think of one that I know the name of... is that bad?

18. What color is your hair?
brownish blondish reddish, i have no idea

19. Do you think any of your ex's still look good?
sure

20. Have you ever said "I Love You" and not meant it?
no

21. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
no

22. What is the closest green object to you?
a bag of chips

23. Have you ever been teased really bad?
when I was little

24. Do you still have feelings for anyone from your past?
no

25. Did you enjoy your last kiss?
from what I can remember

26. Do you believe in ghosts?
nope

27. Do you own a car?
yes

28. Is your job the one you really want?
no..hopefully that will change

29. Can you be in love with 2 people at once?
suppose it's possible

30. When was the last time you were interested in someone?
these questions about love and dating are wearing me out

31. Have you eaten popcorn in the past 48 hours?
two nights ago

32. Do you miss someone right now?
not right now

33. Do you believe the statement "bigger is always better"?
not really

34. Do you have a lot of guy friends?
yeah, they're fun

35. Do you have a friend with benefits?
no

36. What is one thing you've learned about life?
God is faithful no matter what

37. Whats your favorite color?
red

38. Are you jealous of anyone?
I'm sure in some way

39. Ever fell down the steps?
of course

40. What does your grandma call you?
lauren..

41.What does your best friend call you?
that would be lauren

42. What does you hair look like right now?
it's in a horribly done pony tail

43. Has a friendship ever turned into something more?
yeah

44. Has anyone told you that they like you more than a friend?
yeah

45. What have you eaten today?
chipotle

46. Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
curly

47. Do people ever say you are tall?
short people do

48. Who was the last person you drove with?
Jennifer

49. What are you looking forward to?
my brother's graduation

50. How are you today?
pretty good thanks

Just signed my lease for the apartment! Woohoo!

This past weekend my family came in town for my God-sister's wedding. It was an interesting couple of days... my brother had to go to the ER on Saturday morning, so only my mom and I went to the wedding and we were all pretty worried.

He was released that afternoon and is going to be fine, and all of the family (along with Kyle's girlfriend Audrey) headed over to the reception that evening. That was alot of fun... ok I'm not going to lie, while weddings are always hopeful to me and I cry those happy tears, receptions tend to get me down... too much couple dancing going on... but then, I guess it's more fun for the just married couple that way, and when I get married, I'll probably want it that way too!

This week I'm working alot... Tues/Thurs I'll be at UT, Wednesday with Becky (the photographer) and Thursday night - Saturday night I'm babysitting Sara cause her mom's going out of town.

Can't really think of much more to say... Ebenezer said I needed to update. Hopefully this will suffice :)

Alot has happened in the past few days! I've decided to go to Fuller and not try anything else to get into Denver. I'm excited about it- I feel like God is going before me and already things are falling into place.

I applied for Fuller housing last Wednesday, because it's a usual 3-6 month wait (that's what they say). Only one of their twenty or so apartments allows pets, so I knew my chances for that were really slim and I was trying not to be upset about not taking Moses. On Saturday morning, I received an email offering me a pet friendly unit that came available! I accepted, and turns out, it's a few blocks from where my friend Bob lives. He and a friend went and knocked on the apartment I'll be moving into and took some pictures for me. Thanks Bob!

I also have found a roommate to take the second room (it's a 2-bedroom) and she seems like someone that I'll enjoy living with.

Here are some of the pictures that Bob took of my future home, minus the cute furniture... their cute furniture that is:

My apartment is the one straight back/upstairs

Living room..

We get a bathroom... so exciting, I know

Kitchen

Porch with cute dog

Sign for dog

So I woke up this morning and it dawned on me, "I got into Fuller!!?!!!" Wow. God is so good.

Some pictures from Georgia, in no particular order:

The brother (Kyle) and me

Me, the brother and the girlfriend (Audrey)

The fam

"Cold"

Neigh

The gals

Easter bunny

More fam

Pier

Reflection

Grandparents' house

I think I could live on that bench

Aw

Tower that overlooks the marsh

Palm

Peaceful

Safe

This one was pregnant

Scary

They look so happy

My favorite

I am cool

Mom

Happy

Love the shadows

Art museum

Stairs

Church

Downtown

Square downtown

I love all the moss

The church where Jingle Bells was written.

More trees

Where John Wesley used to live

Carriage ride

About 2 hours after my last post, I got a phone call. When I picked up, he said "Hello, Lauren, this is Chris from Fuller Seminary." My first thought was, "Not another one!" Then he said, "I wanted to let you know that you've been accepted to the MS in Marriage and Family Therapy!"

Now I feel a mixture of excitement, disappointment and confusion... ah emotions. Excitement that I got into Fuller, which up until about a month ago was my first choice, disappointment that I may not go to Denver, which in the past month has been my first choice, and confusion about why my first choice changed! I really have no idea why I started to want Denver so much... I assumed it was God changing my heart, but if I didn't get in there, then I have to trust that His plan is for me to be in Los Angeles, because both of the schools that accepted me are there. But ultimately I know that I need to take my eyes off of everything going on and put them on God, because I know He has good plans for me.

My friend Ebenezer wrote this on his blog a while back, and it blessed me!

"Consider a young girl from the Woodlands in Texas who wishes to go to grad school and has visited a number of them. She is unsure if she will get into many or even any. After gaining acceptance, she is not totally sure it is for her. There are many who are in such a situation and the potential anxiety is obvious.

However, imagine the calm of this girl (I hope) who knows that the steps of the righteous man (or woman in her case) are ordered by God! The God that is above grades, or finances, or her ability to shmooze her way through interviews and application letters. The God that has called her by name (just imagine) and has a plan for her life. If she is willing, and prays that God's will be done, then this time of waiting is all the calmer. Perhaps exciting and then there is the anxiety of waiting for the letters to come through the post. Her behaviour is fundamentally different though. Her steps are ordered."

I got a message this morning from someone at Denver Seminary letting me know that they had the results of the committee's review. She sounded optimistic and perky, so I got all excited that it was good news.

I talked to her a little while ago and she says that my GRE was 10 points too low on the verbal and my GPA is .11 too low. She said if I took the GRE again for those 10 verbal points (the GRE is based on a 1600 point system) , maybe they would accept me. She suggested I apply for a different degree program that has lower requirements, like Youth Ministry. I'm sorry, but that is not why I want to go to Denver Seminary.

I can't seem to stop crying, which poses a problem because I am at UT today. Please pray for me.. I know that the Lord has a plan.. I just really wanted to go to Denver.

I got into Vanguard!!!

Happy Easter everyone-

I pray we all know the power of His resurrection today and everyday.

How deep the Father's love for us,

how vast beyond all measure,
That he should give his only son,

to make a wretch his treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss,

the Father turned his face away.
As wounds which mar the chosen one,

bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon a cross,

my sin upon his shoulders.
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held him there

until it was accomplished.
His dying breath has brought me life;

I know that it is finished!
I will not boast in anything:

no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
But I will boast in Jesus Christ;

his death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from his reward?

I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart:

His wounds have paid my ransom.

--How Deep the Father's Love for Us--

Grad school update: still haven't heard from anyone else.. I'm trying to remain hopeful and trust God..but it's hard! Pray for me if you think about it please.

I'm in Georgia with my family until Monday! Their computer is entirely slow so I can't put up many pictures now, but here's a clip of the highlight of today (note that this picture was taken on a boat at 45 degrees with a 30 degree wind chill)

A couple of my friends are in a class at church right now where they wrote out and shared their testimonies... which inspired me to share mine.

My Testimony (which will be in progress until I am ninety-two... or until the day I die)

As David says of God in the Psalms, I say, “The Lord is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation” (Psalms 118:14). When I was about twelve, my mother led me to Christ, and although my sins were forgiven ("If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved" Romans 10:9), over time He has surely become my salvation. I believe that sanctification has been a slow but beautiful process for me thus far. Jars of Clay has a song called “Redemption” that I have always felt speaks the work that Christ has done and is doing in my life. It says, “Looking at redemption, it was hidden in the landscape of loss and love and fire and rain, we never would have come this way. We are looking at redemption”. I can look back at my life and see God’s hand woven throughout.

Since becoming a Christian, I've learned that the deepest needs of my soul cannot be found outside of God. Learning that has been a process. In high school, my focus was on guys and the attention that they could give me. I went from boyfriend to the next, hoping that they could fill the longings of my heart. In college, it was the way I looked and what others thought of me. As if the mirror could take on a life of its own, it would stare at me and tell me that I wasn't enough. Throughout that time, instead of finding my identity, security and love in Christ, I was trying to find them elsewhere. I began to feel depressed and didn't think that I deserved God’s love, because I thought, 'A Christian shouldn't struggle like this!'. The more I felt that way, the more I tried to be 'better' so that I could feel more worthy of his love, and the better I tried to be, the worse I felt. It was an awful cycle.

I started seeing a counselor who helped me work through some of the concepts that I had about God. With her help, I discovered some of the lies that I had come to believe about the way that God saw me. I was able to believe again that God's grace was sufficient for me, and that, "God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God's anger against us. We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed his blood, sacrificing his life for us" (Romans 3:25). I finally accepted that, as Christians, we are not promised to be free from struggle and temptation. We will still struggle, and we will still sin for as long as we are in this world. But that is what grace is all about. That doesn't mean that we should live however we want, because once Christ has given you a love for Him, you will want to live in a way that honors Him. But what I am saying is that there is grace enough to pick us back up when we fail, because we will! And because of that, I don't have to try to earn His love anymore, because it is His redeeming blood that makes me 'good enough'. Though I can't say that I don't struggle anymore, I believe the Lord healed my depression and has given me abounding hope. He's my reason for being and worthy of praise.

Some new pictures of Moses :)

I love his angry face

Current mood: brain-dead..from lack of stimulation
Current song: "Please Come" by Nichole Nordeman
Song clip:
Somebody somewhere decided we'd be better off divided.
And somehow, despite the damage done, He says,
"Come, there's room enough for all of us.
Please come, and the arms are open wide enough.
Please come, our parts are never greater than the sum."
This is the heart of the One who stands before the open door
and bids us, "Come!"
Oh the times when I have failed to recognize how many chairs
are gathered there around the feast.
To break the bread and break these boundaries that have
kept us from our only common ground:
The invitation to sit down, if we would come.

I wouldn't consider myself an anti-social person to any degree, but at work, I'm beginning to see I've taken on the persona of the shy girl. It's so easy to come in here and sit at my cubical without talking to (not necessarily see... because I work in a copy room where 20 professors come in and out throughout the day) anyone all day. Pretty much the only conversation I have all day (except at lunch with friends) is "Hi, how are you?". To be honest, I just don't even know what to say to them! Every now and then there's the awkward attempt at conversation.. it's actually kind of amusing...I'm pretty sure they don't know what to say to me either. Outside of work I don't find it difficult to connect with people..

I am so excited about next week- my whole family is flying out to Savannah to visit my grandparents. We're leaving on Thursday morning and coming back Monday afternoon. Because we moved around a lot when I was growing up, my grandparents' place always felt like home- it was a constant in my life. I love everything about it, (aside from being able to be with my whole family).. watching the sunset over the marsh, looking for aligators, the smell of the ocean, driving my grandpa's golf cart around, laying out by the pool, sitting on the back porch at night and listening to crickets.. pretty much the best vacation.

Today's quote:

"Everything in life is designed to wound me with the realization of the world's insufficiency, until I become so detached that I will be able to find God alone in everything.

Only then can all things bring me joy." --Thomas Merton

Current mood: peace
Current song: "Running" by Donna Stuart
Song clip:
I hear His voice inside my mind,
it promises redemption in the branches of my life.
If all I do is love Him and abide, He'll make it right.
I can hear him loud and clear when He says,
"There is hope in you beloved".

I heard from Wheaton today, and was not accepted. At first I was disappointed, but the more I thought about it, I felt thankful. If I didn't get in, I trust that it's because I'm not supposed to go there, and if that's the case, then I don't want to.

On a happier note, I found out that my church is going to be starting up a pastoral care/lay counseling ministry. I met with the intern for it this past week and hope to get involved with that soon... that is where my heart is and it's such a need in the Church.

I had a lot of fun with Sara yesterday, though I witnessed first-hand how much energy a seven-year-old has when compared with a twenty-four-year-old! We went to the farmer's market to see my friend Alice, who was working there for Americorps and did some fun kid stuff that they had. Then we went over to The Children's Museum for a few hours. After that we went grocery shopping and home for dinner, and after dinner we went to the mall to a place called World of Inflatables filled with tons of those blow-up bouncy things that we loved when we were kids (and ok, still love, but apparently I weigh too much or something).

During the course of the past month, I've had six people comment on my daughter. Let's see that would mean I had her at 17. I get this feeling everyone else is looking at me like, "Poor dear, had a child at such a young age..." Haha.

My favorite part is when she makes fun comments..most of which have been randomly while we're driving...I think that's when she does her deep thinking :) I'll share some I can remember:

Sara: "I don't like boys."
Me: "Why?"
Sara: "Cause their pants are always falling off."

Sara: "Who's your boyfriend?"
Me: "I don't have one."
Sara: "How old are you?"
Me: "Twenty-four."
Sara: "You're twenty four! Don't you think you should have one by now?!"

Sara: "Your teeth are ugly."
Me: "Do I have something in them?"
Sara: "No...I just don't like them."

Sara: "Have you ever kissed a boy?"
Me: "I've kissed my dad...."

I know I put song lyrics up here a lot, but every now and then I hear a song that pulls every chord of my heart, and this one did that today.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=68341459&MyToken=810a23e2-2acc-4c9f-be45-35690560b2c0

It's called "Receive" by Donna Stuart (formerly Barker for those of you from The Woodlands).

I sit beneath this honest tree of my freedom, in my insecurities.
I go back and forth between where I am, and where I want to be.
I wrestle with the doubts that crowd my redemption and release.
And I struggle with what people think, and what I think of me.

Carry me beyond the slavery,
Build your living hope inside of me,
As I wait in righteous mystery for all you willed for me.
It's for freedom that I've been set free.
Burn forgiveness bright inside of me,
That I may give more graciously.
That I may receive.

It seems easy living in defeat,
When my steady pull is my history.
But I know there's more than I can see
For what I'm called to be.

And I know the truth. In your grace is freedom.
That's why I stand to tell.

I am the worst person at returning phone calls. I just thought I'd note that. Life is a bit crazy sometimes, but it's no excuse. Mimi, Joey and Crystal...if any of you read this, it's not because I don't love you! I will call you soon.

Not too much going on here...no word from schools- believe me I'll say something when I hear! I worked each day this past week, and right now it looks like I'll be working tomorrow through next Saturday night. That is, if I can't get up the guts to say no to babysitting on Sunday. I watched Sara today and will tomorrow 8 a.m.-midnight and have been asked for Sunday all day...but I'm not sure I have it in me. I could use a little R&R. I always feel bad about saying no to things. Sometimes I have a hard time drawing the line between when I need to take care of my own needs and when to die to myself.. with that, I think I'm going to go to sleep.. sweet dreams to all :)

So I love quizzes...

You scored as Anselm. Anselm is the outstanding theologian of the medieval period.He sees man's primary problem as having failed to render unto God what we owe him, so God becomes man in Christ and gives God what he is due. You should read 'Cur Deus Homo?' Anselm 87% John Calvin 80% Karl Barth 73% Martin Luther 67% Jonathan Edwards 67% Friedrich Schleiermacher 53% Augustine 47% Charles Finney 40% Paul Tillich 40% Jürgen Moltmann 33% Which theologian are you? created with QuizFarm.

"BERLIN - Berlin Zoo's abandoned polar bear cub Knut looks cute, cuddly and has become a front-page media darling, but an animal rights activist insists it was wrong to intervene and save the cub.
"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws," animal rights activist Frank Albrecht was quoted as saying by the mass-circulation Bild daily, which has featured regular photo spreads tracking fuzzy Knut's frolicking.
"The zoo must kill the bear."" http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17703212/?GT1=9145

Yes.. because it is much more humane to just kill it..

That frustrates me. Anyways, this past weekend I went to see my brother and his girlfriend Audrey, and went to UBC to hear Donald Miller speak which was incredibly good and insightful. He gave the picture of us crawling up into God's lap and him whispering to us that we are okay. That was exactly what I needed to hear.

Kyle and Audrey

Current mood: blah
Current song: "Little Steps" by Jill Phillips
Song clip:
Sometimes the distance isn't far
But we need time and space before we move on
I haven't hit the mark but it's a place to start
And you're so patient as you wait for me
To find my way and follow your lead
Still I'm learning how to trust what I can't see
If you can hear the little prayers I pray
Then turn me around to face you again

My last recommendation was faxed and accepted by Fuller, so that's good news, and I got a call from Denver today requesting that I write an additional essay...at least that means I'm still in the running!

On a side note, I hate Satan and PMS.. the influence of both is a very dangerous combination. Too bad for them God's big enough to squash them with His little toe.

This is funny

On a positive note, I get to see Donald Miller (author of Searching for God Knows What/Blue Like Jazz) and my brother this weekend! Miller is speaking at UBC on Sunday morning, so I am going to stay with Audrey (Kyle's sweet girlfriend) on Saturday.

I scored exactly what I needed to on the GRE yesterday. Today I found out that Fuller needs one more letter of recommendation for me by tomorrow. . although the reference section of the application only said three. So this afternoon has consisted of trying to get a hold of people who could write a letter (sorry, I'd love for you to write me one, but it has to be a 'professional' one ;) and trying not to cry. One of the professors I work for is going to write it for me; now I'm attempting to find out if she can fax it tomorrow to them...

When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at the House of the Dying in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how best to spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa.

She asked, "And what can I do for you?"

Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him.

"What do you want me to pray for?" she asked.

He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I have clarity."

She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of."

When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity she longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

--From Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning

So I'm taking the GRE again tomorrow morning.. I found out last week that I will be able to take it in time for the deadline on the 15th at Fuller.. They will take my highest math and highest verbal scores, so what I need to do is do better on the verbal. Please pray for me from 8-12 tomorrow!

I read a couple of things this morning that I found very encouraging:

"From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them, and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us." Acts 17:26-27

My people, you have touched only the fringes.
Yes, you have lingered on the shorelines.
Launch out on the vast sea of my love and mercy,
my mighty power and limitless resources.

For if you would enter into all that I have for you,
you must walk by faith upon the waters.
You must forever relinquish your doubts;
and your thoughts of self-preservation you must cast aside.

For I will carry you, and I will sustain you by My Power
in the ways that I have chosen and prepared for you.
You shall not take even the first step in your own strength.

For you are not able in yourself-
even as flesh is always unable to walk the way of the Spirit.
But My arm shall uphold you,
and the power of My Spirit shall bear you up.

Yes, you will walk upon the waves,
and the storm will only drive you more quickly to the desired port.
Chart and compass you shall not need,
for My Spirit will direct your goings.

Are not the winds held in My fists?

Be not fearful but believing.

- Frances J. Roberts

My friend Bob gave me some wise words a couple nights ago:

"God's will is not linear- it's organic- it's a living/breathing thing. It's not a set of bullet points. You're thinking so far ahead that you're missing the now."

I think a lot of the time I do think of God's will as being a checklist.. that in order to get from point A to point C, I have to go through point B. But thinking like that can get us so caught up in "the plan" that we miss out not only on where we are right now, but also on what it means to trust.

Yay, survey time.

List one fact about yourself for each year of your life:

1. I only eat one tip of french fries.
2. I make sure the doors are locked at least three times before going to bed.
3. I find myself becoming more brave with time.
4. I love discovering new things.
5. I like the way that sunlight comes through trees.
6. When Katrina hit, I cried more for the lost pets than the people...is that bad?
7. I never drink the last sip of anything.
8. Everytime I go outside at night, I look for Orion's Belt.
9. I think because I grew up moving alot, I am horrible at keeping in touch with people... really want to work on that
10. I don't understand the point of shaving your legs if no one is going to see them. (TMI?)
11. Some of God's greatest blessings are long naps, hot baths, and good laughs. (and no I didn't intend for that to rhyme)
12. I want to fall in love.
13. I love to follow the sunset in my car wherever it leads.
14. I could sleep for 20 hours straight.
15. I don't really like talking on the phone.
16. I am horrible at making decisions.
17. I hate change and love change all at the same time.
18. I make weird noises when I do something stupid in my car and am embarrassed.
19. I hate the way lotion feels.
20. I will never understand why kids are the only ones that get schedule naps when they're the only ones who don't want them.
21. Eating alone is horribly boring unless I have a book to read.
22. I am the worst Trivial Pursuit player EVER.
23. I know at least 50% less pop culture than the general population.
24. I have given myself a self-diagnosis of ADD.

Some pictures from a couple weeks ago of my friend Stephen's dogs:

Duke and Dixie of Windsor

I like the shadow here

This one's my favorite

A man's best friend

Current mood: satisfied
Current song: "T-Shirts" by Derek Webb
Song clip:
They'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear.
The'll know us by the way we point and stare,
telling them their sins are worse than ours,
thinking we can hide our scars beneath these t-shirts.
They’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
They’ll know us by the pride we hide behind.
Like anyone on earth is living right,
and isn’t that why Jesus died, not to make us think we’re right?
When love, love, love is what we should be known for.

The beginning of this week felt great, because I got all the application stuff that I needed to in.

Wednesday I went to the dentist, which didn't feel so hot, but I did have a very attractive Popeye smile the rest of the day.. hung out with Stephen and we went and got Moses a cat harness/leash so we could take him outside on a walk. He's always shown an interest in the great outdoors so I thought he'd love the idea. The whole ordeal stressed him out and all he wanted to do was crouch in the doorway to my apartment...it was pretty cute. Poor little guy.

Today I worked for Becky for a few hours and then took a trip to Ross for one shirt. Three shirts later, I was about to go to the checkout line and thought it would be more fun if I knocked myself into the end of a clothing pole. After the room stopped spinning, I figured it would be best to wait and see if I had a concussion, so I decided to help time pass (as the welt on my head expanded) by looking at shoes. Darn pole, now I'm at home with three shirts and two new pairs of shoes.

I've been reading Searching for God Knows What again.. as I cannot seem to go three months without reading something of Donald Miller... I just love everything he's written... he writes beautifully, says what I could never put into words and isn't afraid to speak it like it is. With that, I have to share my favorite tidbits.

"The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existance, His mercy, and His love."

"The most selfless thing a perfect Being who is perfectly loving could do, would be to create other beings to enjoy Himself...and I realize that this sounds weak and codependent, but what if a person isn't supposed to be alone, isn't supposed to have glory on his own, but rather get glory from the God who loves him? What if our value exists because God takes pleasure in us?"

"I take great comfort in the possibility that Jesus would like me were we to meet face-to-face."

"I do not believe a person can take two issues from Scripture, those being abortion and gay marriage, and adhere to them as sins, then neglect much of the rest and call himself a fundamentalist or even a conservative. The person who believes the sum of his morality involves gay marriage and abortion, and neglects health care and world trade and the environment and loving his neighbor and feeding the poor is, by definition, a theological liberal."

"Is Jesus sitting in the lifeboat with us, stroking our backs and telling us we are the ones who are right and one day these other infidels are going to pay, that we are the ones who are going to survive and the others are going to be thrown over because they are Calvinists, Armenians, Baptists, Methodists, Catholics; because we are Republicans, Democrats, conservatives or liberals...or is Jesus acting in our hearts to reach out to the person who isn't like us- the oppressed, the pooer, the unchurched- and to humble ourselves, give of our money, build our communities in love, give our time, our creativities, get on our knees before our enemies in humilities, treating them as Scripture says, as people who are more important than we are? The latter is the Jesus of Scripture; the former, which is infititely more popular in evangelical culture, is a myth sharing the genre with unicorns."

"Imagine how much a man's life would be changed if he trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money becauase money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself."

"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is. By that I mean they have Him all figured out, mapped out, and as my pastor, Rick, says, "dissected and put into jars on a shelf". You've got a bunch of Catholics in Rome who think one way about God, and a bunch of Baptist in Texas who think another, and that isn't even the beginning. It goes on and on and on like this, and it makes me wonder if God created us in His image or if we created Him in ours."

"The god who cares so much about getting rich must not have treasures stored up in heaven, and the god who is so concerned about getting even must not have very much patience, and the god who cares so much about the West must really hate the rest of the world, and that doesn't sound like a very good god to me."

"I feel my life is a story, more than a list; I feel this blood slipping through my veins and these chemicals in my brain telling me I am hungry or lonely, sad or angry, in love or despondent. And I don't feel that a list could ever explain the complexity of all this beauty, all this sun and moon, this smell of coming rain, the beautiful mysteries of women, or the truck-like complexity of men. It seems nearly heresy to explain the gospel of Jesus, this message an infinitely complex God has delivered to an infinitely complex humanity, in bullet points."

For Ebe-

Updates on Uni's:

Denver Seminary: Done

Asbury Seminary: Contacted me two days ago to say it was too late to contact them for an interview. This was the first mention anywhere of my having to do this, so I was a bit frustrated. I forwarded to them an email that they sent stating that I had all my materials in, and they said that my only options were to choose a different degree program (no thank you) or to apply for a different semester... so I'm going to take that as a closed door and move on... Wilmore was an itty bitty boring town anyway

Fuller Seminary: Done

Wheaton College: Done

Vanguard: Turning in tomorrow!

Dallas Baptist: Have a couple things left to get in- not due until July but the sooner I get it in, the sooner I'll find out.

I should be hearing from all five of these schools by mid-April...that's only a month and a half away!!!

One of the professors I work with gave me the most beautiful flowers this morning.. I feel so special!

Good weekend. Friday night my friend Emily from highschool came to stay with us ... we went to coffee and had wonderful conversation. Saturday I watched *Sara* (not her real name) and married twenty four Barbies. That's right, within a period of two and a half hours, I led twelve Barbie couples in "Dearly beloved...". Saturday night me, Jenn and Stephen watched The Constant Gardener and I didn't understand a thing.. Today I had coffee with a friend from church, went to church and went to the class I'm in afterwards.. we're studying what it means to be a woman who is found in Christ. That's about it... I'm exhaused... isn't that how I'm supposed to feel before the weekend? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Current mood: frustrated
Current song: "Even Then" by Nichole Nordeman
Song clip:
It's a fear that keeps me wide awake,
in the middle of the night.
When the expectations are too great,
and the bar gets raised too high..
So I put aside the masquerade,
and admit that I am not ok.
Which may not be the thing to say,
but I'm not afraid to need You more each day.

Current mood: thoughtful
Current song: "So Afraid" by Bebo Norman
Song clip:
Take my heart, and wring it out
In your hands, and watch it all collapse.
Take your love, and drive it in.
Into my soul, and never leave again.
Cause I am so afraid.

I got the job :) I'll be working every Saturday from 8-7 with a seven-year-old girl. She was adorable and I liked her mother...what I found especially cool about it was that when I was there, K-Love (Christian radio station) was playing the entire time..and when I interviewed with Becky for the photo editing job, K-Love was on there as well. It was comforting and kind of serindipitous (sp?). I start this Saturday!

Becky still needs me some, so my schedule will most likely be MTR at UT, W or F with Becky and S at my new job. Lots of variety, I like :)

Hey everyone,

I have an 'interview' tonight for a part time nanny-ing job for a seven year old girl on Saturdays... I think it would be fun..but don't have a whole lot of childcare experience, at least not in the past six years... oh well- wish me luck!

Quote for the day:

Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one... Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness... The only alternative to tragedy or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers, all the perturbations of love, is hell. -- C.S. Lewis

But now, this is what the LORD says— He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...
You are precious and honored in my sight...
Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth-
Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory.
You are my witnesses, declares the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He...
No one can deliver out of my hand.
When I act, who can reverse it?
I am the LORD, your Holy One, Israel's Creator, your King...
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland...
To give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself,
that they may proclaim my praise. "

-Isaiah 43

It is BEAUTIFUL outside today :)

I'll tell you flat out, it hurts so much to think of this.
So from my thoughts I will exclude this very thing that
I hate more than everything is the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods.
I've thrown away so many things that could've been much more.
And I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
But that's not the way it works, no that's not the way it works.

When I go down, I go down hard,
and I take everything I've learned and teach myself some disregard.
When I go down, it hurts to hit the bottom.
And of the things that got me there, I think, if only I had fought them.

If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace can search me out
and find that I'm so ready to be found.

I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this,
and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored.
But that's not the way it works.

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands,
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me.
Yet you love me, and that consumes me, and I'll stand up again.

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life.
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light.
As I exhale I hear your voice, and I answer you, though I can hardly make a noise.

Oh God, I love you and life is now worth living if only because of you.
And when they say I'm dead and gone, it won't be further from the truth.
When I go down, I lift my eyes up to you.
I won't look very far cause you'll be there with open arms,
To lift me up again.

"When I Go Down" by Reliant K

Jennifer and I just finished watching Grey's Anatomy and all I have to say is UUGGHHH!! (loudest noise of frustration that I can make with my fingers) So Izzie's going to do monologues and Meredith's going to haunt the surgical ward. Just great.

Last night for Valentine's Day Stephen made dinner... it was good :) Also, Moses and I now have an addition to our family named Boomer.

I absolutely LOVE this song. The words say so well what I think and feel about the struggles that we go through in life. If I had the choice, I wouldn't go back and erase the hard times..the depression.. the times when I cried out to God in desperation. I would rather have times of pain and be desperately reliant on Him than to be comfortable and have no need for Him. It is in our brokeness that we discover what true beauty and wholeness are.

If I had the chance to go back again, take a different road,
Bear a lighter load, tell an easy story
I would walk away, with my yesterdays,
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only.

Every valley, every bitter chill.
Made me ready to climb back up the hill, and find that you are sunrise.
How could I know the morning, if I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon, You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you that after the long night, you are sunrise.

There’s a moment when faith caves in.
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone.
But every shadow is evidence of sun and every tomorrow holds out hope for us,
For every one of us.

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

I Want: to take a nap
I Have: to be at work
I Wish: I could wear pajamas to work
I Hate: seafood
I Miss: people
I Fear: roaches
I Hear: a copy machine
I Search: for the truth
I Wonder: about the future
I Love: family
I Always: am late
I Am Not: near perfect
I Dance: some Thursdays
I Sing: in the car
I Cry: every few days
I Am Not Always: talkative
I Win: some
I Lose: Some
I Confuse: myself
I Need: God
I should: do something more productive?

Yes or No...

You keep a diary/journal: yes, several
You like to cook: depends on if it's for people
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: don't think so
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: yeah, never works
You bite your fingernales: nope
You believe in love: yes
You've been in love: yes
You have a crush: yes

Who is...?

Weirdest person you know: hehe better not say
Loudest person you know: possibly my dad
Sexiest person you know: I know about Heath Ledger..
Person that knows the most about you: mom or jennifer
Most boring teacher: too many to name

When you see this name, you think of...

Ryan: family group brother fresh year
Rob: highschool friend
Drew: Barrymore
James: the Bible
Stephanie: family group leader fresh year
Heather: one of my girls at South Russell
Aaron: church
Amy: freshman year roomie
Will: smith
Paul: Corinthians
Eve: Adam
John: Deere
Lauren: good name
Alex: Grey's Anatomy
Jessica: friend in jr. high
Dave: Barnes
Justin: Timberlake

This, or that:

Cuddle or Make out? Cuddle
Chocolate Milk, or Hot chocolate? all of the above!
Milk, Dark, or White Chocolate? Dark
Vanilla or Chocolate? it can be a toss up

In the past week have you...

Cried? yes
Helped someone? I hope
Bought something? yes
Gotten sick? no
Gone to the movies? no
Said "I love you" and meant it? yes
Written a real letter? no
Talked to an Ex? no
Missed an Ex? no
Written in a journal? yes
Had a serious talk? yes
Hugged someone? yes
Fought with your parents? no

Would you ever...

1. Eat a bug? mmm protein
2. Bungee jump? I'd rather skydive
3. Hang glide? passed my chance!
4. Kill someone? I sure hope not
5. Parachute from a plane? Yes.
6. Walk on hot coals? No thank you
7. Go out with someone just for their looks? Been there, done that, no
8. For their reputation? see above
9. Be a vegetarian? yuck
10. Wear plaid with stripes? that is so not cool
11. IM a stranger? don't use IM
12. Sing karaoke? sure
13. Get drunk? don't plan on it
14. Shoplift? no
15. Run a red light? not on purpose
16. Dye your hair blue? I admit I've wanted to do this at times in my life
17. Be on survivor? like they'd want me!
18. Wear makeup in public? that's a dumb question
19. NOT wear makeup in public? I do sometimes
20. Cheat on a test? can't say I never have
21. Make someone cry? not on purpose
22. Kick a baby? What???
23. Date someone more than ten years older than you? Don't think so...
24. Take a job as a janitor? Not the plan...

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I do.
I hope that I never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road,
though I a may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen.

-Thomas Merton

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Encouragement sometimes comes in the most unexpected ways.

Is it wrong to struggle

to have questions and not know,

To admit Your way is unclear

and want it to change?

Do I built a wall around myself

to guard against my weakness?

Or do i let it down

and let Your strength be sufficient,

even if i fall again?

I'd rather fall

than be untouchable.

I'd rather believe in good and honor

and die in ignorance,

than live to see evil win.

And if You want me to live

not knowing and with no answers,

then let me trust You.

Let me love you enough

to love life in its uncertainty

because I am certain of You

-Rachel Winzeler

Current mood: where did the weekend go?
Current song: "What Only You Can Do" by Misty Edwards
Song clip:
I'll take this cold, cold heart.
I'll take my unrenewed mind.
I'll take your word in my hands,
And I'll give you time, to come and melt me.
I can't even love you unless you call my name Lord.
I can't even worship unless you annoint my heart.
I can't even want you unless you want me first,
Do what only you can do- come fan the flame.

This past weekend was a good one (...is there really ever a bad one?). Friday night I hung out with Stephen and saw The Queen- I really enjoyed it...makes me want to study more on the royal family...they're fascinating for some reason. Saturday I slept in and that evening went over to Alice's for dinner with some people from our old Community Group. I love those girls. Sunday went to church in the morning and different members of the congregation shared their stories of how they have lived missional lives here in Austin. It was encouraging and challenged me in what I've already been thinking about lately- that everywhere God has us can be a place where we are used. Sunday night watched the Superbowl with Stephen and some of his friends...I chose to go for Chicago and lost a whole five dollars. And.. that's about it. My life is so very exciting :)